i was born a porn star she said
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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