i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
