he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
