FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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