Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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