i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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