She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she peed on how many people?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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