ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
