I just threw up on my dentist
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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