is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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