New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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