Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
