Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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