what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
