My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
