When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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