My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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