I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
