Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
