Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
