i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
