My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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