Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize