i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
