hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
