No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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