There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have tasted many bathrooms
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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