she woke up with a sticky ear
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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