Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
