I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize