The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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