oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
