she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i think i just lost a toe
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
