we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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