no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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