bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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