John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
