i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
