Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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