im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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