I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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