she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize