In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You ruined the universe
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
