I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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