just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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