All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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