She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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