why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
