Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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