i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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