I want to make a zoo with you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
