ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
