So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
