Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
it's like iHOP with fire
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
