I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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