I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
