Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
