The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
