I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
